Yesterday I attended an intermediate series yoga class at the local studio. I looked around at the start of class and saw that I knew most of the people there from the yoga community. Now, Lander is an interesting place in that there is such a high concentration of yoga instructors that the classes are almost collective style: "You come to my class; I'll go to yours." This means that there are always awesome classes to attend, but that everyone there is usually quite advanced in their practice. So here I am at this class, looking at all the instructors and life-time yogis around me and thinking my mantra of "A flower doesn't compete with the flower growing next to it; it just blooms".
It is an hour and 45 minute practice with lots of long holds and single leg balances. This is great (**sarcasm**), because I did an intense leg-day at the gym the day prior and can't hardly feel the legs beneath me, so it's turning into a real "out of body" experience by the end of the vinyasa. I enter in Warrior III, a pose I usually do with confidence and poise, andddd I cannot find the pose. My grounded leg is shaking and I am sure my back leg is not where it should be (but I can't feel it, so who really knows) and I plop it to the mat as soon as the instructor cues to exit the pose (well...maybe even a little before she cues it). Part of me is inclined to feel embarrassed or worried about the way these women who I admire will regard me. Part of me thinks I should shout out "Hey everyone, I did leg day yesterday, so that's the only reason I couldn't hold Warrior III". But the vast majority of myself wants to humbly accept that this is where I am today and that is okay.
But the vast majority of myself wants to humbly accept that this is where I am today and that is okay.
If my studies in this practice have shown me anything it is that the whole damn point is to absolutely let go of the ego/asmita.
We all have wobbles, and we are utterly imperfect beings; no one benefits from pretending otherwise. Striving toward an ideal is great, but it is completely useless unless we also appreciate where we are while we're there. There is a phrase in the education realm: "Meet the student where he/she is at". This is necessary in order for students to grow, and you'd be hard pressed to find someone who disagrees. And while this idea is accepted in the education realm, it is often neglected in the personal realm. You want to do a handstand? Awesome. You can't do one (yet)? Okay. So appreciate the little steps. Appreciate that moment where you can successfully kick up to the wall; appreciate the first time you can hover feet off the wall for even a second. And appreciate that some days you can access these steps with ease, but other days you can't even come close. What a bizarre and fluctuating thing this borrowed body is, right?
So I was unstable in Warrior III yesterday, but I set my mat up in the front row. THE FRONT ROW, GUYS. I have always found a corner in the back and hid from view in the past, and yesterday I unrolled my mat at the front because I knew I could see better there and that mattered more than my self-image. Holy crap. That is a big step. I put my studies ahead of myself. I also felt the shakiness of a pose and pushed aside the tendency to feel shame and instead chose to observe without judgement. And that is the thing: it all comes down to our choices. Our personalities are just a manifestation of our conditioning and habits, and making a choice that is difficult (and maybe even feels "not you" or forced) can be the pebble that triggers the landslide in transforming your inner landscape.
Our personalities are just a manifestation of our conditioning and habits, and making a choice that is difficult (and maybe even feels "not you" or forced) can be the pebble that triggers the landslide in transforming your inner landscape.
Be patient with yourself. Meet yourself where you're at. Embrace the wobbles. Recognize that you are an ever shifting and evolving being and nothing - not the glorious moments and not the dismal moments - nothing is forever. #itslikethisnow
Comments