Self love has become an increasingly popular term recently. There are over 13 MILLION uses of the hashtag on Instagram (as of now.. surely there will be more by the time you read this), but what is "self love", really?
I've seen a lot of uses of this term that I don't believe really amount to love, so I decided to create a list of items that are NOT self love along with items that ARE that you can do instead.
1. Eating unhealthy foods (that you know will make you feel crummy)
What is it with the "Oh you are going through a hard time? Let's eat ice cream" mentality? I used to do this all the time. Throughout college I kept sugary cereal/ice cream/etc around just for those times when I would feel extra stressed or anxious or depressed. And you know what? Zero of those times did I leave that eating experience thinking, "You know, I DO feel better now!" Instead, I would just have some physical discomfort to match my mental discomfort. Not a great idea.
Instead...
...treat yourself to a nice, homemade meal. Give yourself the time and resources to make a new recipe or a long time favorite. It will still taste delicious, the only difference is that you will walk away and actually have nourished your body. Win-win.
2. Pushing yourself too hard
This one is incredibly common. Recently, I had a friend who equated loving herself to hitting the gym for a full intensity workout every single day of the week. Not only did this lead to injury, but it also led to feelings of serious guilt whenever she did miss a day. It is good to push ourselves a bit, but we need to also leave room for forgiving ourselves and for appreciating ourselves as we are in this moment.
Instead...
...commit to pushing yourself, but balance it with practices of gratitude. Going off the example above, this might look like going to the gym at least 3 times a week, but also journaling about progress: "When I started doing kettle bell swings I was only using 20lbs and now I am up to 60lbs.. that is pretty cool" etc. This small reflection can help us to recognize that, yes, there is always room for improvement, but we have already improved and that deserves recognition.
"Commit to pushing yourself, but balance it with practices of gratitude"
3. Buying items you can't afford
Sometimes we want to treat ourselves, and as a means of doing so we might spend money we don't really have. That isn't actually treating oneself at all. Rather, it sets us up for guilt, remorse, and unnecessary stress. Money can't buy happiness, but it can things that we use to access happiness -- for example, I love hiking and buying a new pair of comfortable, waterproof boots could lead me to more adventure and happiness. If I can't afford the boots, though, then I am really setting myself up for failure.
Instead...
...treat yourself to something that you can make or borrow or, sure, buy -- but that you can afford. This doesn't mean that you always have to make the most responsible decision; you don't need to put every spare cent into your retirement fund. It does mean being conscious of your spending. It means the little impulsive addition to your Amazon cart (that you don't really need) should maybe be removed or "saved for later". I find that a good way to treat myself that doesn't cost much money is doing small somethings I wouldn't normally do. For example, I can't afford to go to yoga classes every week. But once every 2 or 3 weeks, I let myself be treated to a $10 class at a local studio; I can't always buy myself the gear I want, but I dedicate a third of my yearly tax return to whatever cool gear I am into at the time (and to prepare for that I do lots of research and look at things well in advance so that I know I won't regret that big ticket item). I also recommend keeping a separate savings account for anything requiring money that you really care about: in my case, travel. I put a few bucks into my travel fund here and there (especially any unexpected money, like a travel stipend or the like), and that way I know that when there is enough in there I am able to take a guiltless vacation.
4. Using harsh self-talk to "motivate"
It is okay to be critical of yourself. However, it is not productive to use negative self-talk as a means of "motivation". This includes things like "I'm not good enough", "I'm too chubby", "I'm an idiot", etc. We sometimes use these judgments to push ourselves to change, but if you live your life pushing for a destination, then you are bound to have more negative moments than positive; you can only get to the destination once, so everything leading up to it will be wasted.
Instead...
...really, truly, appreciate yourself. This is hard. This takes work. But try it. Try being grateful for what you can do. Try dropping your judgments and just observe yourself. Don't compare or compete; love others and encourage them and celebrate their successes. And do that for yourself also. These actions help to cultivate a mindset of contentment. You can still push yourself to change (we want contentment, not complacency here), but you can also make the journey to the destination meaningful through these choices, which therefore makes your life more positive on a big scale.
"Be honest with yourself. Eliminate the practices that no longer serve you. You deserve better."
Ultimately, self love is not nearly so simple as any of us would like it to be. But it really is a necessity. And we are the only ones that can hold ourselves accountable on this front. To know if you have healthy self love practices, I suggest listing out everything you do when: 1) you are happy/excited, 2) you are super bummed out or depressed, 3) you are nervous/anxious about anything, and 4) you are bored. <-- Be honest with yourself. Eliminate the practices that no longer serve you. You deserve better.
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